Everyone is Gay but Me!

Palosaurus Rex is Gay!
Drama is Gay!
Sim Simma is gay, and there are several mid 2000's mix CD's that can back that up.
Ffej is gay!
J-Roll is Gay!

I am not. When aliens land on this planet in a million years to discover the ruins of our once glorious civilization they will read this, the final post on the greatest blog of all time. Having nothing to contradict the above words, they will accept them as the ultimate undeniable truth ascertained by a species that acheived true enlightenment only in the very moment of their demise.

Everyone is gay but me!

Fear and Loathing in SA Part 2: The Motorcycle Diaries

Fuck, no breaks. I sat on my sportbike at the dusty intersection of a farm access road and a major Peruvian highway scanning the oncoming traffic for a break in order to make it to the safety of the other side. I had successfully made it across three lanes of speeding buses and petroleum tankers and then had to stop because the rest of the highway was blocked by a military convoy. I now clung to my idling 400 cc Honda perched precariously in the tiny median of the busy highway. The dry desert wind picked up a little causing the palm trees on the other side to sway slightly, as if beckoning me to the safety of the pastural farmland ahead, away from the noise dust and danger of the highway. I lowered the protective visor on my helmet to sheild my eyes from the clouds of sand that were coming my way, and as I sat in the relative serenity I thought back to my younger days at University in my homeland.
Back then I was just a young niave college student, full of curiosity and youthful idealism. It was at this crucial juncture of my life that I was taken under the wing of the person who would become the biggest influence of my life, a man whos wisdom and knowledge were matched only by his cool misterious demeanor. He could have been the next president of the United States simply by announcing his candidacy, and yet he chose enlightenment over power, goddamn. The man I am refering to is David Simms, the inspiration for those Dos Equis commercials featuring "the most interesting man in the world." As I sat hoping for a break in traffic I poured over my mental bank of adages I gained from my friendship with David Simms.
"If theres grass on the feild play ball!" Hmmmm. That certainly was a popular mantra of Mr. Simms but it didn't really apply to this situation. It was most commonly used when confronting a moral dilemna of whether or not to engage in sexual congress with a girl, epecially one that you suspect of being too young for pleasures of the flesh. The saying had certainly served me well previously on my south american adventure such as when I was presented the opportunity to hook up with a 25 year old Brazillian MILF. However I was not in a dimly lit 6 dollar a night hostel with an off duty exotic dancer, much as I wished I was.
"Good blow sparkles like the morning sun on fresh mountain snow." Another incredibly useful pearl of wisdom from D. Simms especially in the context of a trip to South America, but again not particularly useful at the moment.
I cycled through dozens of such proverbs gained from my time with David Simms none of which seemed to apply to my predicament, despite their wisdom and practicality. Suddenly I remembered the time David had taught me to use a manual transmission automobile in the parking lot of Vince and Dominic's. What did he say to me, think goddamnit. Of course! "When you're starting up the car make sure you're in first gear and let the clutch out slowly while accelerating at the same time." ¿Could that saying apply here? I was on a motorbike and not in Dave's little sister's Toyota Echo, however the engine size was probably fairly comparable between the two. After failing to come up with anything more suitable I slowly loosened my grip of my left hand on the clutch while throttling the machine's engine at the same time with my right hand. The bike lurched forward into the perilous highway, barked sharply... then stalled. To be continued.....?

Fear and Loathing in South America 1

Hola a mis amigos gringos!

Thats Espanol for ¨stop looking looking at our women that way white devil¨or something like that. Things are going well down here, not that I expect anybody cares much. Note to anyone coming down, be prepared for a squirty good time en el bano for awhile after you first arrive, its a given. My amigo the infamous J-Tarr fell ill with some sort of third world stomach flu which meant we had to stay in Lima for like 5 days, which is five days longer than I would have cared to. For those without my internationally well travelled background Lima has the weather of Seattle, the pollution of LA and the friendlyness of NYC. A real trifecta. Anyway we learned not to eat in sketchy Southamerican Chinese resturaunts until Mr. Tarr´s estomago has adapted to the new bacteria rich environment. So why did I not suffer the same fate, I´ve got two words... The Hut. Smoking, eating, hooking up and passing out in that horrible place during high school has probably given my immune system a head start on third world adaptation. Anyway we´re out of lima now, drinking the local hooch "Crystal" and fumando the local outdoor. Anyway gotta go I´ve scheduld some sandboarding, like snowboarding except on giant sand dunes. Peace.

you framed an asia poster? how hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?

school has taken a back seat to football this weekend. the true freshman quarterback from michigan looked really poised at the end of the game, and matt barkley was phenomenal on the final drive. i don't really have a dog in the college football fight, but i'm pulling for the trojans this year. i think the sec is a little overrated, and a lot of the schools have gimmick schedules. the pac-10/acc play more balanced schedules, and usc plays a decent non-conference schedule.

***

here are my predictions of who will make the playoffs from each division. yes, these predictions are with the benefit of 13 games already played.

afc: new england, pittsburgh, indianapolis, san diego, new york jets, baltimore
nfc: seattle, new orleans, minnesota, new york giants, philadelphia, chicago

***

ass in the sand, toes in the water... way better than lucky man, this is one of my favorite new country songs. the video is pretty funny too. these guys are from georgia.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lB8Nkn3Xjes

right up there with jungle love and wake me up before you go, this has to be one of my least favorite songs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LjgxXCsRek

***

rambo is off to south america soon. my prediction is that he gets captured by FARC rebels in colombia and gets indoctrinated after months of captivity. rambo (el gordo as he will be known) will become the leader of the rebel group and fashion himself as the next simon bolivar or che guevara. i plan on giving several interviews to biographers and journalists as they seek to discover el gordo's transformation from disaffected wealthy suburbanite to communist guerilla leader.

i'm having a hard time coming up with a prediction for jroll. i picture him possibly taking a saudi bride but mostly i see him coming back to the states with an even worse opinion of muslims. when you are in saudi arabia, if they have islamic beer try it. don't try the fruity flavors, try the beer flavor. let me know what you think.

rosh shashana is coming up on friday. for those of you unacquainted with this age old jewish holiday, it commemorates the day moses broke his knuckles by punching a wall after getting in an argument with the pharoah. have a festive celebration everyone!

Case Study #301: "Selling Out"

"Selling out," as defined by Wikipedia (best source in the world, no?), is the compromising of one's integrity, morality and principles in exchange for money, 'success' (however defined) or other personal gain. It is commonly associated with attempts to increase mass appeal or acceptability to mainstream society.

In my experience, the most common use of the term "selling out" seems to stem from the music industry. While it makes obvious sense to use it there, I think the term is thrown around much more liberally than it should be. People tend to label a band as a "sell out" at the first sign of a song they don't like. It is definitely most common among so-called "old fans," people who pride themselves in liking the band at the release of the first album and before the band became "popular." I definitely agree that this happens all over the place with bands changing their particular style to generate more fans, make more money, get more radio airplay, etc. But at the same time, I think there's a fine line between "selling out" and changing/ evolving as a band. The problem comes with how do you properly distinguish the two?

For example, if you were to go back and listen to old Red Hot Chili Peppers, you would notice a distinctly different sound than from their recent albums. Does that mean they sold out? They were relatively popular back in the day, but I would argue that their popularity didn't take off until "Under the Bridge" was released. That song was much different than anything else they produced prior. Since then, they obviously kept their rock sound, but also included much slower songs and dropped a lot of their funk from subsequent albums. Therefore, I would argue that they modified their sound, and in turn, became more popular. Why have we never heard any discussions of RHCP "selling out?" I think there are 3 plausible explanations: we are a little too young and probably don't know as many old school fans as we think (maybe we should ask Drama...?), and/or these old school fans have accepted the maturation of the band, and/or since RHCP became arguably one of the best bands of our generation nobody wants to bring it up.

Another band that tends to come to mind is Incubus. Incubus' first EP and LP (S.C.I.E.N.C.E.) are very unique from the rest of their music. You could definitely make an argument that the band was still trying to discover itself during that time, as their second album was released not long after S.C.I.E.N.C.E. However, from there on to the most recent album Light Grenades (which I despise for the most part), I don't think their music has changed dramatically. Their music has definitely gotten softer, and I enjoy their old albums much more than the most recent one. Singles tend to be weaker, sappier, over-produced, and more love song-ish, but does that mean they sold out? I would say no. I would argue that there isn't much difference between their first true hit (Pardon Me) and their last big one (Dig). I think this is a case of a band continuing to evolve, just, in my personal opinion, not for the better.

And now, the most recent case and the purpose for this post: O.A.R. It's a sad sad day when you have to say goodbye to one of your favorite bands. As much as I was furious to see Dispatch break up, its days like these that make me thankful for their decision to separate and leave their memory and roots in tact. I would much rather see a band break up before I watch them slowly sell out like O.A.R. is doing. O.A.R. had already been on my nerves after the most recent album, writing one too may slow and sappy songs (and having pushed these to the radio *cough*Shattered*cough), essentially removing what made them awesome and unique (the sax) from a majority of the tracks, and pushing their songs to every damn commercial and promotion (no matter how unrelated) possible. After hearing the most recent single they released, I have officially put them in the "Sell Out" category. The new song is called "Love is Worth the Fall" and can be found on the Twilight soundtrack. Yup, that rights, the Twilight soundtrack. Don't believe me how shitty it is? Listen to it yourself. Then think, would O.A.R. have released this 10 (or even 5) years ago? No. Go and listen to the new EP they released. Listen to the clips of the "new live" songs available on iTunes (please don't buy it) and look me straight in the face and tell me they haven't changed. O.A.R. has officially gone down the drain. No more jams, no more sax, no more uplifting, happy songs (Nightshift, anyone?). They sould like ever other shitty, studio-run, overplayed, radio pop band. I don't know whether they chose to go down this path or they were pushed to it from their studio. Either way, congrats guys, your fan base has grown to include pre-teen girls and people who don't even know what O.A.R. stands for (Of a Revolution, by the way). You've sold more copies of your recent album than ever before and you're making more money. But you're also losing what made you unique. You're alientating your old fans, but most importantly, you're alienating you're most passionate fans.

It just goes to show you that money can affect even the best of bands if they lose touch with their roots. Would I have done something different? I don't know. I would hope so, but you never know until you're put in that situation yourself. Either way, I hope you're happy with the path you've chosen. It was fun while it lasted; you've been a great band to me over the past 8 or so years and I will continue to jam out to your old albums. But today, it's time to say goodbye and part ways; I wish you the best of luck O.A.R., but do me a favor and don't bother to keep in touch in the future.

1,000 VIEWS! Did we break it?

I woke up today feeling like shit. Two cats apparently decided to fight to the death outside my window last night/this morning at 4:00 AM. And to the majority of people out there that have never heard a cat fight before (not girls clawing each other's clothes off in hot oil), it sounds like a baby crying mixed with the occasional viper hiss. Thinking about it now it really could have been a left-astray baby outside my window that was being attacked by snakes, but either way I was way too tired for something like that and went back to sleep.

Anyways, I digress. I woke up feeling like shit and came into work thinking that today was just a normal Wednesday where I had to take out the trash and sit in my cubicle for the day. But, then I signed on to our awe inspiring blog to check what was new and saw "IT" ...

1,000 VIEWS!!!!!

A kilo, a millennium, the sum of Euler's totient function over the first 57 integers, 1 E+3 views!!!! Despite the awkward glances of my co-workers, I danced around for a while like Michael Jackson and then screamed out like a conquering general, "WE DID IT, BOYS!" But then a thought came to me and I sat down on the spot deep in thought. How can we commemorate such an epic occasion? With Fireworks? BBQ? Beer? Naked Women? A petting zoo? Midgets on unicycles? An aberrant combination of them all? Nothing seemed like it really could capture the monumental achievement that we have accomplished here. That is until I remembered the radio challenges I hear every morning and thought of this:

The first person besides the writers who comments on this blog gets a free giveaway. Thats right! A framed and autographed (probably partly forged) photo of all the bloggers together (probably partly photoshopped). Simply beautiful.

Yeah, lets see if that actually happens. But, who cares if the web-counter is probably just tracking us and ICT - the resume builders! I just write to try and make you guys laugh every once in a while and bicker with pretty much anything any of you say. So as Ghostface Killah once told me, "I just want to celebrate like we just beat trial ... We bout to have a good year!"

come as you are

the halcyon days of summer have come to an end, signaling the start of school. summer's end also marks a full year of living in the pacific northwest.

for me, that has meant 365 days of grunge, sir-mix-a-lot's "baby got back," and jimi hendrix on the radio; 365 days of fresh fish, fruit, and vegetables at the public market; and 365 days of being panhandled.

neither a bustling metropolis, nor a mid-sized city, seattle confronts this identity quandary with an inferiority complex, excessively celebrating even minor accomplishments. (see continued airplay of "baby got back).

as with most cities, neatly categorizing the types of people is unhelpful and the categorizations are most often untrue. yet one cateogry of people sticks out in seattle. when lieutenant colonel frank slade welcomes charlie to the big apple, he yells "welcome to the greatest freak show on earth." seattle, for sure, has a disproportionate amount of freaks. i've seen people dress more bruno (do not know how to insert an umlaut) than bruno (again with the umlaut), i've see a man in cutoff jean shorts and a wifebeater walk his ferret on a leash, and i've seen a woman place her starbucks coffee and nordstrom's bag on the sidewalk, hug a tree and slowly start chanting.

other than myself, this city's largest asset is mother nature. i've spent time in british colombia, the oregon coast, the columbia river gorge, mt. rainier, and the olympic peninsula, and only red rock country in southern utah or the continental divide in glacier national park match the natural beauty of the pacific northwest (none of these areas, however, can give lake tahoe a run for her money). the scenery here is truly remarkable.

i will refrain from further inadequate descriptions of the city and instead invite you to come experience seattle for yourself.

on an unrelated note, we are almost at 1000 page views.