Lisa, your aorta is in your chest ...

One word to describe this past weekend: Really?!?!

I was soaking wet Saturday night and it was not because I decided to walk to a house party two blocks away in a torrential downpour of rain. No, it was because a drunken girl cried on me.

How might this have happened you ask? A house party where the music is thumping, the beer is flowing, everyone is having a great time … how could you, Sim Simma, a good hearted fun loving guy get cried on? Well, as J Roll so eloquently put it, “You attract some crazy girls, dude.” It is a curse. I don’t know what it is about me (maybe a giant blinking light that only estrogen induced hallucinating psychos can see?) but it is there.

I was literally just sitting at a table with Drama and J-Roll playing a dice drinking game when a brunette and a blonde come over with a chair asking if they can play. Drama begins hitting on the brunette and things are looking up for him (Oh yeah! Double-entendre! Man, I’m clever). The blonde sits next to me and a conversation begins. She wants to stop Drama and her brunette buddy from talking any longer probably because in her blood shot squinted eyes she is not getting the attention her low cut dress and push up bra deserve. I de-rail her thought process here by proposing a bet that they will be fine – they will have a good time together – they will inevitably hook up. She bets against this stating that she won’t let it happen. I say the rules of said bet are that she can not interfere – I mean that just gives her an unfair advantage (Go get ‘em Drama!). She eventually agrees and now my buddy should have no more cock block (Hooray for people and their need to feed their egos through gambling). After this is done I talk to the blonde about God knows what trying to include J-Roll in the conversation. Then out of nowhere Drama and J-Roll decide to leave the party to meet up with some other friends. I decide to stay because I know a lot of people there and want to catch up with a few friends. I tell them I’ll catch up with them soon. Literally right after they get up this girl puts her leg over mine and continues to try and talk to me. DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! I retrieve my leg and nicely tell her I have a wonderful amazing girlfriend (which I do) and that I am sorry if I led her on. I am about to get up and talk to my friends at the party when I suddenly see her face contort. I think to myself, “WTF? Did she drink some skunked beer? Oh god, no. No, no, no, no, no!” But it is too late. The waterworks are on; it’s the ninth green at 9:00 PM. Eye makeup is streaming down her face making her look ready to go to either an Alice Cooper concert or a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She begins telling me that all guys are crap, life sucks, and the world is going to end. I then have to (because my conscience is unfortunately good) restore her faith in humanity and men by talking to her and calming her down for the next 10-20 minutes. I'd like to point out that I did not know this girl and had really only been talking to her in a group setting for 5 minutes tops. That and her friend was of no help at all. So in short Drama bailed on a girl he could have hooked up with at a house party and I (although I should have never tried to help him in the first place) got stuck with black eyeliner tears on my shoulder. Cue the music and thank god its my birthday this week.