BETHESDA 911:

Simm Simma, I've long considered you and I to be almost polar opposites in many respects, a Dr. Jekyll to my Mr. Hyde if you will. This recent story of yours now confirms one more way in which we represent opposite ends of the spectrum. Luck with the police. Those of you who know both Simma and I might find it ironic that HE occupies the negative end of that spectrum. Me? I think it goes beyond ironic, almost bordering on fucking hilarious.

Case and point, last weekend my friend J. Tarr and I were coming back from a party in Virginia. We had caught both of the last trains we needed to get back to the neighborhood where we parked our cars, and were about drunk drive home, which is usually the safest and most uneventful part of the journey. Tarr asked if we could chill out for a minute, so we sat on the curb, literally right next to my car. As we sat there having a smoke and talking who should drive by but Montgomery County's finest. The car slowed down almost to a stop, but kept going out onto the main road. Mr. Tarr suggested we mount up and make for the DC border where the cops have real problems to deal with, but I knew better, and insisted we stay put. Sure enough, about 60 seconds later we were approached by 3 squad cars, two from the front and one to our rear. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing that the first police car drove by, scoped out two drunk skinny white boys sitting quietly on the curb, bounced out and then called in re-enforcements. I mean, honestly was that really necessary? All we were doing was discussing how 'The Price is Right' isn't as good without Bob Barker. They could have just rolled down the window and said: "Hey kid, why don't you cut Drew Carey a break, he's trying his best and he's got some pretty big shoes to fill! Oh and by the way, if you try to drive home I'm gonna empty my can of mace in your eyes." But I guess it was a slow night, or they had all just watched 'Training Day' 5 times in row. So anyway, they roll up 3 deep, game faces on, shine Mag-lights into our eyes and encircle our position. We stay seated and calmly exchange the usual pleasantries in the traditional cop-civilian language, which I have translated into plain English below:

Cops: "Hey guys, how are you two this evening?" (We know you're both fucked up, but how fucked up are you?)
Us: "We're fine officers, how about yourselves" (We're shitfaced.)
Cops: "Fine thanks. What brings you boys out here tonight?" (You stupid bastards were about to drive home drunk weren't you?)
Us: "We walked here from the Metro and were taking a rest before walking back to our houses." (You fuckers have got jack shit on us and you know it!)
Cops: "Can I see both of your driver's licenses please." (We'll just see about that.)
[We hand over our driver's licenses]
Cops: "The reason we've stopped you guys is that we've had reports of some car brake-ins tonight. You guys wouldn't mind if we checked you out real quick now, would you?" (Ok - you know the drill shitbirds. On your feet, face the other direction, spread your legs and put your hands behind your head. Let's see if you can talk your way out of narcotics possession!)
Us: [Assuming the position] "Nope, go ahead." (Hahaha! I already used my drugs on the subway ride over here asswipe, try not to get a boner when you feel up my cock!)

During the search, I was asked to empty my pockets because the officer thought he had found something. It turns out the suspicious item was my $1.99 cell phone. After the sensual body rub from the 5-0 J-Tarr and I were allowed to sit back down on the curb, but advised to keep our hands in full view (despite coming up clean on a search). The police did the whole scanning of the IDs thing which took the usual 15 minutes or so, and then we were released with the usual "Have a safe rest of the evening" which really means "One day you're gonna slip up, and when you do we'll be on you like AIDS on Africa"

If we had not taken that one minute rest before driving, or we had booked it after seeing the first cop car, or Sim Simma had been there we might have had landed in some real hot water, but thankfully, that was not the case. We ended the night by celebrating our good fortune at 7-Eleven with a feast of Slurpees and Funions.

So Sim Simma, though you may hold the favorable ground in morals, values, sex appeal, a healthy family life, mental stability, dancing, emotional capacity, chemical addiction, and, most importantly, Super Smash survival, you are still probably going to get arrested before I do. Probably.

Your friend and nemesis,

-Rambo