Mythbusters Episode #69:

The Life and Times of a Consultant - Is it really all that glamorous?

Traveling! All expenses paid! Collecting free miles and points like a Vegas prostitute collects your money! Isn't that splendid?!?

Today marks my official one year anniversary entering the "real world" and I believe now is as a good a time as ever to analyze what I have accomplished this past year. I'd like to take this time to debunk a few myths I've come across while attempting to climb the corporate ladder:

Myth #1: Traveling to other cities is awesome!
My main client's in California! Totally hella rad dude! Well, my client is actually in Ontario. Do me a favor and go look up Ontario, CA for me (never mind, I did it for you lazy asses) and let me know if you think it's a place you'd like to visit on a regular basis. Yeah, sometimes I get to go down to Newport Beach on Thursday nights, but that's only because I know somebody who lives there. If I didn't, then I wouldn't and this would suck a lot more. Other clients for my company are in such miserable places as Darlington, SC, Springfield, MO, and Bedford, PA. So every time you get lucky and travel out to San Diego, there's a 4 month trip to Macon, GA waiting for you when you get back.

Myth #2: The perks from traveling are easy to get and so worth it.
I think every time Simma has flown on Delta with me recently, I've been upgraded to first class so I think he has a skewed impression of what actually happens. I do have a very solid chance to get upgraded on random weekend trips that the 2 of us take (and how many has that been in the past year? 2?) because of my elite status. However, when I travel Mon-Fri with the rest of the corporate world, I am so far down the totem pole I get treated like I'm Butters from South Park."Aw poor J Roll" everybody's saying. But guess what? A lot of times I'm stuck praying for an upgrade because the way my job works, I've book a flight less than a week in advance. You know what's left then right? The two most dreaded words: Middle Seat. (By the way - the guy in that article is an utter moron. He avoids exit rows because you can't move the arm rest and there's a better chance all 3 seats will be filled? Are you F'ing kidding me dude? I've been traveling for a year and I could write a more informed article.) Anyways, I'm 6'4" here people and 4 hour flights in middle seats do not work well. If I lived in Canada, I could probably file a lawsuit (like FAT PEOPLE did - hey if obesity is a disability why can't being tall be one as well?) and maybe I could get the seat in front of me knocked down for free. But Canada blows and I would never move there so I guess that's out of the question.

Myth #3: Work on site is just like the office.
Everybody sees the 8:30-5:30 average hours I work in the office and think, "man that's not too bad. He makes a little more and he works a little longer so it all balances out." Well, I don't work 8:30-5:30 when I'm on the road. A light day is 7:30-6. I've spend 25 hours of my first 2 days out here in the distribution center. 25! That's 12 Monday, 13 Tuesday for those of you counting at home. Awesome.

Myth #4: Traveling every week has no effect on your social life.
I miss some shit my roommates do. I don't have anyone to even think about playing volleyball or hitting golf balls with. The only time I'm left with to build a relationship with girls is weekend nights out a bars and I hate trying to pick up girls at bars unless I'm retardedly (take that Special Olympics campaign, you can't take my freedom of speech away!) hammered. Maybe I'm just using this as an excuse for a lack of game, but that's really just not my style. When I go out at night, I want to spend some time hanging out with friends and maybe talk to 1 or 2 girls. The probably of finding someone compatible in 1 or 2 girls is extremely small. And besides, the last chick I went out on a date with was apparently dating (or about to be) another dude. Don't worry though, we went, I paid, never heard back and found out a month later through a mutual friend. There's $90 down the drain.

Myth #5: Consultants actually enjoy their work.
Drama and I had a long discussion about this on our road trip last weekend. He's doing something he loves. Work is his passion and I envy him for that. He enjoys going to work every day and I don't. Don't get me wrong, I don't dread it, but it's not like I jump out of bed every morning and run down stairs like a 5 yr old on Christmas to get to the office and sit in a cubicle for 8+ hours. I don't really care who you are, that's about as much fun as watching the entire Sex and the City marathon on TBS. For me, work isn't my passion; it's more like I'm working FOR my passion. This job has enabled me to do everything I wanted to my first year out, so in that regard, I'm happy. I'll take that and move on.

All bitching aside, I just wanted to convey the message that consulting really is not as glamorous as it initially appears (granted I'd take it over law school any day of the week). The hours on the road aren't what they look like at home; the traveling perks are only a result of sitting in airports or on planes for 10+ hrs a week; and even though I've been able to check out some really cool places on weekends (Say what up to Seattle for me Palosaurus Rex - I'll make it back there again soon), I see nothing but the inside of a DC and my hotel room during the week.
Regardless, I'm eternally grateful for my job, especially in this economy. Even though the work can sometimes be boring and tedious, I really enjoy working with everyone in my company. I've been to places I never imagined I'd go, and I've met some very unique individuals from across the globe.

PS - Did I mention I'm flying to Hawaii for 10 days in August? Guess how much that flight cost? Booyakasha!