Oh Fishsticks!

OH SHIT SON, IT'S ON!!!

Last night the gauntlet was thrown down. J-Roll strolls into the kitchen with a grin and a glint of defiance in his eye when he informed me that his father, a man of respectable size, and his uncle, a man of incredible size, have challenged me and him to an epic eating contest.

The terms are simple. The next time we meet (around July 4th) we will go to a restaurant and order fish fry sandwiches. Whichever team can eat the most wins. Wins what you ask? Pure and simple ... PRIDE. I know, I know ladies! You think this is idiotic, stupid, and juvenile. But let me tell you a little something about any male you will run into ... they ALL have an eating ego (except Palosaurus Rex - he has the figure of Nicole Ritchie).

The eating ego for men must have evolved from the cavemen days when one caveman would grunt to another after finishing a full T-Rex by himself. This grunt would signify that because of his astounding eating abilities (and being able to kill a large creature like a T-Rex) that he was the dominant (cave) man. Cave-women would then flock to this rare specimen of testosterone and he would retreat into his pimped out cave with them full and happy. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way that grunt of authority over all other men has evolved into what we now know as a long belch. It is considered impolite and juvenile in modern society, but all men know that women still swoon secretly to this belly battlecry.

Basically, J-Roll and I are going to straight up dominate them in this challenge. It's going to be a bloodbath. J-Roll is training for a marathon meaning his metabolism is through the roof and his eating habits are slowly resembling locusts swarms going through our cabinets, while I have a history of eating large quantities of food when put up to a challenge. In my resume of historic eats I have gorged myself with a full chocolate birthday cake (and gotten $40 because my dieting co-workers didn't think I could do it), ~3 pounds of apple pie (it was 5 pounds but I split it with a friend to win a bet), and after a particularly long night of drinking 50 chicken McNuggets (another bet with the same friend - what a sucker). I am confident in the win and already look forward to gloating and holding this over J-Roll's dad and uncle forever ... then I will retreat into my cave full and happy.