Post # 2: [Rail] Road Warrior

Who runs the train better than the Japanese? No one, that’s who. From the airport to downtown Tokyo, the suburbs and beyond I haven't spent that much time riding the train since the Quad City DJ's were hot. It's no joke when I say these guys run more trains in one day than Duke Lacrosse, Vivid Videos, and Three Six Mafia combined. The hundreds of square miles of dense urban sprawl that is Tokyo are connected by thousands of miles of train tracks.

Trains in Tokyo are the center of all culture, entertainment, commerce, and life in general. The biggest nightspots, malls, hotels, etc. are usually located at or near to a big transfer station. Sometimes it is difficult to determine where a shopping mall ends and a train station begins. Unlike the public transit you're probably accustomed to the trains in Japan are clean, reliable, and mostly crime free. There is a bizarre lack of homeless people, crackheads, the mentally insane, or talkative conspiracy theorists. Furthermore I did not witness a single domestic disturbance or act of violence or abuse the entire time I was there. Needless to say I was shocked and appalled. Without these basic staples of American public transport where could I go to find out how the Pope is really an alien spy, or how black nationalism could have prevented the recession? The Tokyo train system is so safe that it is not uncommon to see children taking the train, alone, late at night, without any adult escort - this is not an exaggeration, I actually saw this. I could only imagine what would happen in that scenario on MARTA. If the statistics were available I have no doubt they would show that the annual crime rate (total, not per capita) would be higher in the 800 block of Highland Square than it would be on all trains and buses in Tokyo.

While public transport is safe, it is also more confusing then roman numeral algebra. Should I take the pink line or the magenta one? Am I supposed to go to Akasaka or Asuksa? Where the fuck am I and how in God's name did get here? These are all questions you may find yourself asking if ever riding a train in Japan. Station names and train line names are written in English and Japanese, but the names are frequently hard to pronounce, remember, or differentiate from one another. There are also two different 'levels' of trains within Tokyo, the JR East network and the Tokyo Subway. If you try to look at both systems together you begin to hemorrhage from the eyes, so I've included two separate maps. Let's first take a peek at the JR.

This monstrosity connects Tokyo proper with its vast suburbs and edge cities. As a point of reference I've drawn a black line over the Yamanote Line which is a circular loop around Tokyo. This system is owned and operated privately and thus is nicer and more expensive than the Tokyo Metro. It is also more difficult to use.

Next let's look at the Tokyo Metro map. Many of the Metro stations are transfer points to the JR lines, however, since they are owned and run separately you must exit one system, then enter the other through different gates. Often this involves finding your way through a maze of tunnels and underground shopping malls. Sometimes you fuck up and wind up in a novelty shop specializing in erotic men's lingerie, it happens. The Tokyo Metro is mostly underground and mostly within the confines of the Yamanote line (again outlined in black).

Now the main problem with this bad boy is that there are usually about 5 different ways to get from point A to point B and it's not always clear which one is best. Also, for some weird reason some of the lines are private, and, if transferring you must exit the Metro and then pay separately to enter the private line. What's really annoying though is that the Metro closes at 12:30, even on Friday and Saturday. When I say close, I mean close. If you board a train at 12:27 that means that at 12:30 that train is going to stop at the next station and you're getting off, regardless of where you really wanted to go. What this meant in practice was that if you wanted to go out for a night on the town, you would either call it quits by 11:40 so as to not get stranded, or you would plan on drinking heavily until the trains re-open at 5 AM. Take it from someone who's done both; drinking until 5 AM is the only way to go, even if the ride home is a little painful.

Here are a few tips to taking the train out:
Bring a SUICA Card: Sort of like the breeze card for MARTA except its actually worth getting. This thing is a MUST for all travel as you can load it up with money and then switch freely between the different lines and systems, without one you will have to buy a new ticket each time you switch. Make sure there is enough on there to get there AND back, you do not want to have to look for an ATM in Tokyo, its like finding a needle in a stack of needles… when you're drunk.

Drink heavily: Bars are expensive and can get very busy. Drinking on the train ride over saves time and money. It's also 100% legal to drink on trains, or for that matter, anywhere else.

Bring a Train Map: Fuck it, bring two just in case you lose one. You will not survive without a good train map. They are available at tourist centers but not necessarily at the stations. They are infinitely valuable when you find yourself waking up on a park bench with no idea where you are or what happened after the cute Korean girl made you take a shot with her.

Bring a change of clothes: By clothes I mean shirt. You will get stuff spilled on you and you will sweat like a beer can in August. An extra T shirt or wifebeater stuffed in the back pocket is a good idea.

Bring Sunglasses: Its no coincidence that the trains start up right as the sun rises, its to punish those that spent all night drinking. A pair of mirrored sunglasses will protect you from the Sun's harsh, glaring judgment.

Drink heavily (again): A 24 oz. can of Kirin, available at any convenience store, is usually enough to delay a hangover until you're out of the sun. It also makes a bold statement to the throngs of Japanese schoolchildren you'll be sharing that early morning train with, (They go to school real early over there). This is an artistic interpretation of what a standard 5 AM train ride might have looked like.