Back to School Questions. How was your summer? What classes are you taking? The people asking these questions really only want to tell you how great their summer was and what classes they are taking. Other vacuous comments include, "you got so tan!" "I haven't seen you forever!" "Have you bought your books?" or "I'm in that class with you too!" This initial feigned interest gives way to distant acknowledgments as the weeks slip away. -Palosaurus Rex (08/23/09 - 08/29/09)
Let our Gears cease grinding for a while as we pay respect and reflect on a fallen friend.
Getting 'Rick Rolled'. For those of you who don't what the hell I'm talking about: 'Rick Rolled' is when you go to watch a video on YouTube only to find out that instead of seeing "Singled Out: Jenny McCarthy side boob highlights" or "KKK Rally Denver '09" or whatever you people watch you end up with the video for the 1987 hit single "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. Sometimes it's not even the real video, it's just a montage of photographs of Astley, which is in many ways worse, depending on the pictures. If I were making a playlist for a crossbow/chainsaw rampage would this song be on it? Only time will tell...-Rambo (08/02/09 - 08/08/09)
Society.I've grown weary of your stifling norms and unsightly structures. Soon after tackling an evidence final on Tuesday, I will have a respite from your tiresome rule. Four days on the dusty trail is the salve for my open sore. Four nights of campfire meals. Four nights of open sky. Behold, weathered boots and trusty backpack, Olympic National Park awaits.
-Palosaurus Rex (07/26/09 - 08/01/09)
People who don't wear deoderant. Palosaurus Rex is an idiot and deleted this ... plus he doesn't wear deoderant in 90 degree weather so I guess my real pet peeve here is him. Go to CVS and spend the two dollars. Or follow Rambo, shit, he does it for free.
-Sim Simma(07/19/09-07/25/09)
People who hang family photos in their bathroom. What's better than a taking leisurely bowl-busting dump? Taking a leisurely bowl-busting dump in someone else's bathroom of course! Unless that someone else hangs family photographs all over the walls. Then it becomes 30 minutes of fetid awkwardness, timidly releasing ones bowls under the static gaze of dozens of watchful eyes and shit-eating grins. Extra awkwardness points go to families that hang pictures of relatives that have clearly been dead for longer than you've been alive. Nothing quite like great aunt Mildred's stern glare from beyond the grave when you're trying to squeeze one out. Why the fuck would anyone do this? I mean, I don't have a strong desire to re-live my family's 1993 visit to Disney World while in the can. Maybe it's an attempt to prevent users from taking a number 3 in that particular commode. Well, if that was the intent I got one thing to say: Better luck next time Aunt Mildred!
-Rambo (07/12/09-07/18/09)
Holidays. I like days off, but I hate holidays. I work hard to come up with a daily routine that I enjoy, only for it to be ruined on those special days. I come from the smallest of families, so there's usually nothing to do when all the stores are closed, television is playing a crappy marathon of celebrity drug overdoses, and no one else is around to do anything. Bah humbug.
-Drama (07/05/09-07/11/09)
Tech Support. I am currently sitting in my cubicle even though I should be out having lunch. Why? Because tech support said they would call me back soon. I am at their mercy and let me tell you, they have none. They could give two and a half shits if "soon" means they end up calling me in 5 hours making me waste a day of work rotting in my soul crushing cubicle. I bet one is playing World of Warcraft right now. Can't you just see him oozing out of his chair while smearing some cheeto powder across his face with his sleeve? Warhammer, I'm going need you to kill him quickly so he can get back to my call. Ok? Thanks.
-Sim Simma (06/28/09-07/04/09)
Nothing. I am at peace with the world. -Palosaurus Rex? (06/21/09-06/27/09)
Rush Hour Radio: It's as if the DJ at DC's only rock station thinks to himself, "hmmm... it's 6:15, Rambo's trapped behind some asshole trying to make a left across 3 lanes of gridlock, let's put on something really bland and shitty, something even that vegan douche-bag in the left-turn-making Prius in front of him would consider a little too soft. Let's see, DMB… no that actually has some mass appeal, wait I've got it! Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want!" Here's a fun fact about that song, IT SUCKS! It sucked 10 years ago when it first came out, it sucks now, and in 2018 when some brain-dead retard over at the classic rock station finds that CD under a used condom, while huffing paint in the men's room… guess what? IT'S STILL GOING TO FUCKING SUCK! God! First you play 'Face Down' by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, a track which proves it is possible to write a wussy song about domestic violence, then you play no less than 5 Lincoln Park songs in a row, and then top it off with Vertical fucking Horizon… well played sir. And you fuckers wonder why the consumer is switching to satellite radio. - Rambo (6/14/09 - 6/21/09)
Southerners. Their famous hospitality need not apply to strangers or people different than them. So unless you look absurd, with pleated khakis halfway up your thigh tucked into a pastel polo shirt with an alligator, croakies attaching your sunglasses, an SEC ball cap covering up a haircut meant for a toddler, and camouflage somewhere, expect to be ignored. Sure they are overcompensating for their lack of education and morality. So keep your annoying accents, adolescent marriages, conformity, and good ole' boy network, I'm only down here for your warm weather, not your culture.
- Drama (6/7/09 - 6/13/09)
Oprah Winfrey. Oprah has never been married, yet women take relationship advice from her like investors take stock tips from Warren Buffet. She ballooned upwards of 275 pounds several times but remains an authority on weight loss. The height of meglomania, she has a namesake magazine, in which She has appeared by herself on every single issue save one. Michelle Obama, the only other person to appear on the cover of this self-serving magazine, is seen posing with Ms. narcissistic herself. Please explain to me how a DAYTIME t.v. talk show host commands the respect that she imagines.
-Palosaurus Rex(05/31/09 - 06/06/09)
Jon & Kate and each one of their plus eight. This family is not newsworthy! When I look at GoogleNews I want to know what is going on in the world. I don't care if a celebrity marriage is in trouble. This should not be in GoogleNews, it should remain where its supposed to on the People/Nat'l Enquirer rack in a supermarket. Jon and Kate you decided to have 8 kids. Great, thats just irresponsible ... they outnumber you 4 to 1. I smell a mutiny brewing in the wind. What is more irresponsible is that you can barely afford 8 kids and have to get TLC to film your chaotic excuse for a life in order for you to make ends meet. How messed up are these kids going to be when their entire lives through their parents divorce is documented on national television? Granted I have never seen this show, but I doubt I would watch it for even a second. Unless you consider it the kind of watching you do with roadkill as you pass it by on the highway. You just can't take your eyes away from the horror of it all. -Sim Simma(05/24/09 - 05/30/09)
Twitter. Twitter is a place for self-absorbed, narcissistic individuals to try and convince themselves how awesome their lives are. No, I don't care that you got front row tickets to some wicked awesome super cool concert. No, I don't care that you can't decide what to wear tonight. If I cared, I would CALL. So stop this nonsense of posting one-liners about your worthless lives into space and hoping somebody will actually read them. If you're still trying to defend this mentally-challenged site, please check out this video.
-J Roll (05/17/09-05/23/09)
Women. Bitches be CrAzY!!!! -Sim Simma (05/10/09-05/16/09)
Hahahaha thanks for facebook stalking me. I'll let her know to upload "Chi Town Album II: SimSimma's Day Off" today.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I got your CD in the mail yesterday. All you are getting back is the poster and one track single for Morris Day & The Time's "Jungle Love."
how many photographers will you two hire for your wedding? over/under is 15. anyone want to take bets?
ReplyDeleteI'm betting the over but only because the bride's family usually pays for the wedding. (Is this a Jewish practice as well as a Christian one Dave? I don't know Jewish customs very well haha) If the groom is paying, I'm going under. Way Under. Like 12 under. Maybe even 13. Regardless, they'd probably end up being the 3 most overworked photographers ever, so that would suck for them.
ReplyDeleteMy reasoning for the (significant) under if the groom is covering the wedding:
ReplyDelete1. Dave's Jewish
2. Dave's parents are Jewish
3. Dave spent all his money through the years flying to visit Standby and couldn't afford to hire more
4. Dave would rather spend money on an open bar anyway
5. Dave recognized that 2 photographers would be plenty to take pictures of the people that mattered (family) and he didn't want to flip through 80 pages of us (his friends) hammered and barely standing at his wedding
When is said wedding? I'm free next weekend. I guess we'll have to hire our own photographer for great pictures of said friends hammered. BTW I don't remember last weekend. Can somebody post a story about it for my longevity
ReplyDeleteIs Standby a big "scrapbooker" too? I could see you two really havin' a good time doing that together... for hours, facebook-scrapbooking. No wait that's too long... let's just call it "Face-scrapping".
ReplyDelete